Transcripts of some holiday letters that were intercepted by our joke 
computers at the Joke Mission Control Center in Minnetonka, MN:

December 14, 
Dearest Scott:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a 
pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been 
more surprised.    With deepest love and devotion -  Jenny

December 15, 
Dearest Scott:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine two
turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They
are just adorable.
     All my love,
     Jenny

December 16, 
Dearest Scott:
Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
     Love,
     Jenny

December 17,
Dear Scott,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too
romantic.
     Affectionately,
     Jenny

December 18, 
Dearest Scott:
What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for
every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
     All my love,
     Jenny

December 19, 
Dear Scott:
When I opened the door there were 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. 
So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge.  Where
will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket.  Please stop.
     Cordially,
     Jenny

December 20, 
Scott:
What's with you and those friggin' birds?  7 swans a-swimming.  What
kind of bad joke is this?  There's bird poop all over the house, and 
they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a 
nervous wreck.  It's not funny.  So stop with those darned birds.    
 Sincerely,     Jenny

December 21, 
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their smelly cows.  There are cow 
pies all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay 
off me!


December 22,
Hey!  Smartiepants!
What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9 pipers playing. 
And cripes do they play!!!  They've never stopped chasing those 
maids since they got here yesterday morning.  They cows are getting 
upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am 
I going to do?  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
     You'll get yours,
     Jenny

December 23, 
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies.  They've been chading those pipers all night long.  Now the 
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river 
of runny cow pies.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me 
to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.

December 24, 
Listen!  Bonehead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of
those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the
birds are dead.  They've been trampled to death in this madhouse!  I 
hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
     Your sworn enemy,
     Jenny

Law Offices
Jake, Jake and Jacobson
December 25, 
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Jenny Jacobson.  The 
destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to 
our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss Jacobs at 
Happy Camper Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot 
you. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.