A collection of some of the old classic "lawyer jokes". What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. ----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator. ---------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! ----------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! ----------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. ---------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. ----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. ---------------------------------------------------------- Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. ---------------------------------------------------------- What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. ----------------------------------------------------------- When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. ----------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. ----------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. ----------------------------------------------------------- How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. ----------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside! ---------------------------------------------------------- What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. ---------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. ---------------------------------------------------------- Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. ---------------------------------------------------------- What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. ----------------------------------------------------------- Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery ---------------------------------------------------------- What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities. ----------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. ----------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. ----------------------------------------------------------- What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. ---------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. ----------------------------------------------------------- How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. ---------------------------------------------------------- Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on. ----------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. -------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. ----------------------------------------------------------- Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. ---------------------------------------------------------- What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. Submitted by: R.C. Ogden