FIRST LADY HIRES NEW PERSONAL SECRETARY FOR PRESIDENT

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton has hired Lorena Bobbitt to be the
president's new personal secretary.  Ms. Clinton has instructed Bobbitt
to establish a "no fly zone" around the president and take immediate
action should he violate.  An aide to the first lady, who spoke off the
record, said that privately Hillary was furious that her husband was
jeopardizing her reign in office because he can't keep "the First
Phallus" under control.  "She contacted Bobbitt directly and persuaded
her to come work at the White House immediately.  Lorena seemed to
sympathize being married to a womanizer," the aide said.


FOLLOW THE MONEY

The lawyers who initiated Paula Jones's sexual harassment suit against
President Clinton have asked the court's permission to be excused from
the case.  Apparently they believe they can make more money suing her
hairdresser and orthodontist.


TAIL TO THE CHIEF

Remember a couple of years ago, when Clinton was telling young people
they should wait to have sex?  Now we know what he wanted them to wait
for:  him.  --Jay Leno


NAME CALLING

A CNN legal analyst said we shouldn't assume Clinton is guilty.  Everyone
thought Richard Jewell was guilty, too, and they were wrong.  "But you
can't really compare Jewell to Clinton.  One's a big Southern dufus, the
other's a wealthy, respected former security guard."


PAULA JONES DEPOSITION

The president's deposition in the Paula Jones case was tough.  Asking
Bill Clinton to remember a specific episode of sex harassment is like
asking Hank Aaron to remember a specific home run.


LEWINSKY SURFACES FOR AIR

WASHINGTON, DC (UPI) -- Presidential stalker, Kenneth Starr, and
Republican members of Congress are pressuring the elusive Monica Lewinsky
to tell all she knows about her affair with the President.  Lewinsky's
attorney, William Ginsburg, is trying to arrange a deal in which the
former White House intern would be granted immunity from prosecution in
exchange for performing certain "services" for the above mentioned
members.  Should this arrangement fall through, Ginsburg says that she
will fall back and use a variation of the now famous Clinton "I didn't
inhale" defense.  The underemployed Monica has reportedly interviewed
with the Washington law firm of Harridan and Hooker.