(This is an original composition by subscriber Kathleen Wooton, MD)

After a stress-filled breakfast out with my two preschool-aged
children, my hubby and I decided that our toddler was clearly
malfunctioning - the following is the culmination of that observation:

A phone rings.......

Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline.  How may I help you?

Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit - I have reason to
             believe that it is malfunctioning.

O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?

P : State the nature of the problem?  You asked for it - my toddler
    is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!

O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout.  Now, I'm
    going to need two pieces of information to assist you fully.  Number
    one - do have the boy or the girl unit?

P : A boy unit - why?

O : Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit just TIED
    to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling with the wiring?  Oh
    yes, and one other minor detail - is the ceiling fan turned ON?

P : No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on, and
    he is tied to the friggin' fan!  Why does any of that matter - he is
    TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there, he is an
    ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how.  Obviously, the unit is
    malfunctioning!

O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler
    unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is
    absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up to
    specs!  Aren't these boy models clever?

P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model, and
    you have been NO HELP AT ALL!  I want to speak to someone in technical
    support!

O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on an
    assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the Marquis de
    Sade.

P : Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an instruction manual!

O : Sorry, but I can't do that.  If you were stupid enough to order a
    toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too difficult
    for you to comprehend!

P : Damn - then just tell me where the friggin' off switch is!  You can
    do that, can't you?

O : Sorry, sir - no can do!  Only product development knows where that
    is, and they're not telling!

P : Okay, smart-ass - I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!

O : I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and totally
    NON-REFUNDABLE!

P : Dammit - can I at least exchange it for another model?

O : No, but you wouldn't want to anyway.  The girl models are just as
    much trouble, are more expensive to maintain, and the whining - well,
    let's just say you got off easy with the boy model.  You can order a
    NEW girl unit if you so desire, but I am afraid your boy model is a
    keeper!

P : Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?

O : Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU, I
    would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call the doctor
    and make an appointment - for YOU!  You sound stressed - stress can
    kill!

P : Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me
    first!  Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!

O : Glad I could be of assistance.  By the way, due to recent budget
    cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is required
    to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call.  Have a nice day, and
    thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.

the scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching his  chest
in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE! as the fan slowly turns
around and around and around............

				Submitted by: Kathleen Wooton @ msn.com